I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Randomize
