hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
