Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
