i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Randomize
