he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
