I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
