Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
It's official drugs can't kill me
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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