Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
