we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
