Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
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