We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
