i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
no more duck duck goose at the bar
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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