I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
