someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
