apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
In other news, I just burned my penis
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Randomize
