I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
