He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.