I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
