Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
