I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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