I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Randomize
