my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
