also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
