i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I love having hate sex.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
