He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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