I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.