Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Randomize
