In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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