I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
