You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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