hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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