I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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