Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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