He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
