for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?