if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
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