It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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