good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
