Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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