wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
