I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Randomize
