Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
