Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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