My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
