Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
