ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
