You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
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Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
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Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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