I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
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I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
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He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
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