I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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