I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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