Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
