Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
