i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
