Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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