I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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