no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
