Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
